Mood Swings: Solo Backpacking in Hawn State Park

Earlier this year, I was really itching to get out in the backcountry by myself.

Though my husband and I were fresh off of a backpacking trip along the Buffalo River Trail, it had been a couple years since my last solo trip, and I was beyond ready to try it again. 

After several recommendations from friends, I chose Hawn State Park in southeast Missouri as my destination. I researched the trails, meticulously planned out my gear and food - and felt I was in pretty good shape to handle a three day backpacking trip by myself.  I was pumped… I was ready… I couldn’t wait. 

Until a wave of anxiety crashed over me the night before I was supposed to leave.

Normally, being out in the wilderness on my own doesn’t scare me. I’ve always been aware of the risks associated with my lifestyle, and have taken the appropriate steps to make sure I’m as safe as I can be. It’s honestly never been a huge issue. 

However, as the hours ticked down to my departure, I was feeling more and more fearful about this solo trip.

It would have been so easy to call whole thing off - but I just couldn’t let myself give up. I made the brave choice to do it scared, and hoped that once I got on the trail, I’d feel better. 

The three hour drive down to Hawn State Park was gorgeous, and as I started my hike, the views along the Whispering Pines Trail were even more spectacular. The towering Missouri short-leaf pines… The smells… the sounds… all of it was so refreshing. 

Even so, I still felt like something bad was going to happen. In fact, I got myself so worked up, that when I finally arrived at my first campsite, I wasn’t thinking clearly and made a couple of pretty dangerous mistakes. 

I won’t go into the whole story - you can read the play by play in this blog - but let’s just say that I’m lucky to have survived that first night with nothing more than a scraped head and a bruised ego. 

For the rest of the hike, I vacillated between being completely enamored with my surroundings… and being anxious about what was lurking around the corner, waiting to attack. 

At one point, I came nose to nose with what I though was giant bobcat… but it ended up just being a fallen tree that was impersonating a giant bobcat.

When I returned home - frazzled and confused - I tried to understand this new fear I seemed to have of the wilderness. How could I be so afraid of something that brings me so much peace and joy? 

As I wrestled with these ideas, I came across a piece of flute music called Mood Swings… and it’s aptly named, as you can hear the mood shift several times as the piece progresses.

And that’s just life… isn’t it? 

Even when we are living our lives to the fullest… surrounded by natural beauty… sometimes things are just going to go sideways. 

I’m learning that the best thing we can do is accept the discomfort, find our footing, and move through it the best way we know how.

Remembering that whatever we may face in this world… it’s only temporary. 

Please enjoy Mood Swings, written by Judy Nishimura.